I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
