Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
