so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
