Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Randomize
