FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Randomize
