Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
