I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Randomize
