We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
