just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
