my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
