How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
