I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
and you fell through a lawn chair
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
