then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
