So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
