you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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