Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Randomize
