WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
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