How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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