The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
