When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
