started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
this is an emotional support booty call
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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