rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
