I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
He? As in you personified your dick?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
