great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
pray to the hookup gods
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize
