I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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