so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
