Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
