Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
