I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize