Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
