i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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