he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I party with great urgency now.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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