i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
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