You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Randomize
