Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
