my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
True strength comes from lack of pants
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
