Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
