and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
