Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
