i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
