I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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