all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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