i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
