I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
