I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
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