The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
