first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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