Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Randomize
