at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
