I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I'm always down for nudity.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
