I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
