i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
