he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
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