He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Randomize
