I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
