Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
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