The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
