I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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