I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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