She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
