dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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