Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
