shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
it hurts more in the daytime
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
