Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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