My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Randomize
