It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
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